- 23 June 2010, 23:02
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I feel completely out of it. Nothing is okay right now. I've started having mini panic attacks for the first time in my life, and I'm seeing myself fit into the symptoms of so many mental disorders.
This is already hard for me to write about. I want to delete it and forget about it, but I know that I'll immediately regret it and try to post again..so I might as well try.
I am incredibly stressed right now. Half of me thinks there's no reason to be, and the other half is too busy freaking out to care. I'm nervous all the time, I'm afraid of getting things done, and I'm terrified of the next few years. Forget my life after school..I can't really see that happening. That alone scares the piss out of me!
I'm so everywhere with my thoughts and I feel worse and worse every day. What am I supposed to do? I've been trying to find new things to do to keep me physically busy. It's terrible though..I suck at drawing and I'm sure my writing is really bad. It doesn't matter though, I won't do anything that people will remember. I'll be forgotten easily, I'm sure.
Gah. Wtf. > < I'm spastic and on edge and so, so, so confused about everything. I just want to run away forever. I don't want to stop anywhere, I just want to see everything pass me by.
I actually want to let everyone I know down. I'm not sure if this means I'm unsure of where I'm going in life or if I already subconsciously know I don't want to do this... I just know that this is all too much for me. I want it to stop NOW.
I really want to just get messed up and stay that way forever. But I want to get help and I don't know if I actually need it or not. I feel like I'm just being lame but everything is always the same. I'm remembering being younger and all I can remember is feeling like this.
WHAT DO I DO?
- 15 February 2010, 22:52
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I'm an acerbic person. I can't help it. I try and I try again to be a little bit nicer. I just get so frustrated. I feel bad about how I was acting in class today during service. Telling people to hurry up and get out of the way. Eh. On one hand I feel like that's how you have to be to get things done and on time, on the other hand I feel like the meanest person ever.
I'm mean in general though. I always have some biting remark to come back at my friends with. It's not always meant to be mean..I usually say it jokingly; it's the way I was raised. People can't handle it because I guess it's not normal. I don't know how to change that habit, it's hard.
I'm building up walls after my last few relationships. That's what it is. I was never this bad before. I just don't trust anyone. And I'm bitter..mad at the world. I won't let anyone near me. I don't need you if you don't need me. And that's just fine. Suck it.
- 14 February 2010, 21:33
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I need to do something with this. I start to every couple of days, then I get into reading how to use the skin system on the script and I just give up. I mean the least I could do is get myself into a regular schedule of blogging, right? Or maybe talk about daily life/thoughts when I do. So I'll get to that, I guess.
I wish I had been born about three years earlier. I'd have been completely done with school for a year, and I would have gotten in on the more awesome years of being a teenager with the kids I know now. I couldn't possibly make it up now. I don't know anyone who likes to hang out like I do. I want to run around crazy at night; go random places at like 4 or 5 am. Just whatever. And I hate Miami. I'd much rather be up in Rhode Island at the moment.
I'm never getting married. I don't trust guys enough, nor do I trust myself. There's no way I'd be happy sticking with one person my whole life. I like variety and change too much. Maybe I'll get married just for the experience of having that wedding us little girls always dream about. Or I'll get married for the tax benefits..whatev.
Tomorrow marks the start of a new lab, my final lab. It's Advanced Dining - which sucks - but after this I'll be done with this term and start my Externship next term. Oh wait, I have another lab next term during 4th segment. So scratch that. I have to make up Advanced Patisserie and Desserts.
Darling.
- 2 February 2010, 17:29
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School has been throwing lots of stuff at me lately. I graduate in May. :) I'm still bored though. I'd like to do something different, and get my own place. I hate sharing my stuff.
- 27 December 2009, 04:31
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My grandpa died tonight. We got the call right around 11pm December 26th. So..we're driving up to Georgia on Monday for the funeral. Around Chatsworth. It'll be nice and cold, and rainy, slushy... Perfect weather for a funeral.
I've never seen and/or heard my Dad cry before. It's weird. I don't like it.
- 22 December 2009, 20:35
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Just a thought..but about 6 or 7 years ago all the pre-teen websites had .wav files of their favorite songs just streaming there. 24/7. How were we able to get away with that then, when now you'd be flooded with e-mails about copyright infringement (whether from the artist's side or your host's)?
It's kind of ridiculous how much things have changed. Or how much it seems they've changed. I can't really say that they have for sure, but it appears that way. Maybe I've grown up and notice it now. Either way, it kind of sucks.
- 12 December 2009, 22:43
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I was playing The Sims 3 earlier, for the first time in about 3 1/2 months. I went to continue my main game, the Goths (Yes - those ones), when my sim's son grew up and went to get married. Apparently moving is bugged out since the recent patch. The one I installed just last week, I believe. I'm upset about this. Only because it's the weekend and I feel like I have no life. I'm currently living vicariously through my dear sims. Haha. =p
But anyway..this led me back to my lovely little Vespertilian. I figured it's about time I get to work on a layout. So I've been looking to my old things for inspiration, but I'm not sure those are a great example for my website today. I still don't know if I want it to be clean and neat - like my most recent websites were - or daring, I guess. Bright colors, for sure..but do I want to follow the easy two column standard of today, or maybe switch it up a bit like we all used to when we were younger?
- 11 December 2009, 19:19
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I'm still trying to get this to work. There are some timezone issues between the MySQL database and the php on this page, so my new posts aren't showing up. I'm updating anyway to (hopefully) regenerate the front page real quick. I've had to manually put in some error fixes and..I don't believe it's worked at all. This is frustrating.
Edit I got it fixed. Yay! I guess it's time for me to start putting things together, seeing as I'm sure I'll be keeping this script now. :)
- 11 December 2009, 00:48
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I'm just testing this junk now. It'll probably be a while before I figure it out.